Go Ahead....Make My Day

Dear Mr. Tick,

I would love to start this letter off by saying that you are a huge pain in my butt, however, I think that's the only place you haven't been found this summer. I expect you to grace us with your presence in the summertime when Ty and the boys go camping. I expect it during hunting season when it hasn't been cool enough outside to kill you off, and I expect you to annoy us anytime we are cooling off under the tree of our choice during a hot summer day or running and playing in the tall grass.

What I don't expect is you to be hiding in Drey's head while he's laying on the floor watching television in our very own living room and hasn't been outside for a day or two. What I don't expect is for you to jump onto Ty's leg while him and I walk down a road remaining on the pavement at all times. And when I take Drey to his hunter's safety course inside the clubhouse at the Greencastle Sportsman's Club, I certainly don't expect you to find your way up my leg while I am wearing pants and haven't been anywhere but Ty's car, the road and inside the building. I mean, really, what's that all about? You had like 100 other legs to feast your eyes upon in the flesh and practice your blood sucking capabilities on who weren't wearing pants. Why me?

Or is it because you knew I hated you so much that you wanted to torment me by burying your head inside the back of my knee where I cannot see you? Your stupid head by the way, according to Ty, still remains in my leg because apparently you were a persistent little booger and wanted to keep house where you were. I better not find out that you regurgitated your stomach contents back into my blood stream which is what you little jerks do when you are what the experts say "traumatized". Do you honestly expect me to believe you were traumatized?

I am the one traumatized. I am the one thinking about your little head in the back of my leg. I am the one who lost skin over this while Ty tried digging the rest of you out with the tweezers. I am the one who would like her leg amputated now because anything with more than four legs touching me is enough to send me into a psychotic episode you never want to see.

Consider yourself warned you little freak, you and your little nasty relatives-- STAY OFF OF ME AND MY FAMILY!! If you don't, I can promise you only one thing. You will be pried off with our bare hands or dug out with whatever tool is necessary every single time and you will be introduced to the fiery abyss of my Bic lighter. Nothing is more satisfying than hearing you POP when I light you on fire.

So go ahead...make my day.

Yours truly,
Lori Hepfer