Not To Be Taken Lightly

Today I will inform you, should you come down with the dreaded TyLo virus, what to expect if you are a woman and if you are a man. To all the women, this is basically for your own survival and the advice given is to insure that all of your children and husband remain alive during this time. To all the men, this is basically for your own survival and the advice given is to insure you don't get beat in the head with a blunt object. Please pay very close attention.

Ladies first:

DAY ONE

On any given day, you will wake up refreshed and ready to start your day. You will get your kids ready for school, place them on the bus, enjoy a cup of coffee and get ready to start your work day. Thirty minutes later you will be on the couch. You will want to die and take anyone in your way with you.

Sharp, searing pains will pulsate through your legs like angry beavers. They will radiate through your entire body with lightening speed, only to return to your legs and start the process all over again. This will not end for two days no matter how much medicine you take.

The persistent dry, nagging cough will aggravate the razor blades in your throat causing them to dig in deep. Your throat will feel like pieces of shredded raw flesh while your lungs have the life squeezed out of them with a vice grip. The throat will only attempt to get better after the coughing has subsided with a little Vicodin cough syrup. It is important not to talk or this will bring on more coughing fits.

(It is important for you to know that I will not share my Vicodin with you no matter how much I have left, so go to the doctor and get your own.)

You will lay on the couch for approximately five hours while your 3 year old practices her mothering skills constantly covering you with blankets, getting you drinks of water and taking your temperature with the thermometer, asking you every five seconds if you are still sick. Be patient with her, she loves you. Erase all harmful thoughts from your head because she is just too cute to include in them.

You will not remember what you fed her for lunch, but be assured that you have fed her something because she refuses to live without food and is willingly laying down for a nap.

By this time, you can finally cry from the pain. She is tucked away in her room and will not be frightened by your outburst. It is essential to go lay in bed with your husband since he is getting up for work soon. He should have to deal with this. You are his wife.

When you crawl in bed with him, use his body heat. It won't feel like much, but it is your inconspicuous way of being babied without asking for it. He will awake to your trembling body beside him and put his arms around you only to jerk back from the heat radiating from your presence and he will ask the dumbest question ever: What's the matter with you, baby? Are you sick?

You are too weak to punch him so don't bother trying. Besides, you need his help and punching him might ruin that. I'm just saying.

He will immediately try to rub your feet to make you feel better and when you beg him not to touch you because it hurts, he realizes that turning down any foot rub means you are deathly sick for certain. He will then call off work to take care of you (without pay) because he loves you and you shouldn't have to take care of four kids by yourself.

You feel like a blessed woman. You love him. You tell him this. It is important to hang onto this feeling. You will not feel this way after today.

You lay in bed the entire evening while your husband takes care of the kids, does six loads of laundry, washes the dishes and cleans up everything that is out of place. He brings you water and helps you with anything you need. He holds you while you cry because the pain will not let up, and he has only ever seen you cry while delivering babies so he is concerned.

Your fever will reach a hefty 102.8 degrees with no end in sight. Ibuprofen will only drop it to 100-101 degrees and no further. This will continue until the third day. Hang in there.

You lay in bed while your husband makes slippery chicken pot pie for the kids and himself for supper. You feel like a blessed woman. You love him. You tell him this. Then he feeds them at 7 pm and you bite your tongue.

You emerge from your dungeon, hoping he has them ready for bed so you can watch some TV, rather than the four walls in your bedroom only to find four kids sitting at the table eating banana nut ice cream at 8 pm on a school night. You realize they will not sleep for another hour or so and you bite your tongue.

You tell him about this in a nice way and he feels badly and makes the kids go to bed. You sleep on the couch for an hour at a time all night long.

DAY TWO

You will not wake up feeling rested. You want to go to the doctor as soon as possible. Your husband stayed up all night, planning on sleeping through this day and returning to work. One look at you and he decides to take off work again (without pay).

You feel like a blessed woman. You love him. But you don't tell him this because today you don't care anymore. You will only ask him why it is taking so long for the doctor's office to open at 8 am so you can call and make an appointment.

He gets the kids ready for school and puts them on the bus. You call and make an appointment and cannot get in until 10:30 am. You cry. It will not feel like two hours, it will feel like two days. In between the hot flashes and trembling, you manage to stand in a hot shower but forget to clean yourself. You don't care.

You arrive at the doctor's office and realize you are wearing dirty sweat pants, a dirty hoodie, no socks, but at least you remembered a baseball cap for your oily head. You still don't care. Every moment passes as slow as molasses in January and you are on the verge of a breakdown. Your cough frightens everyone in sight, along with your appearance. Do not glance up or make eye contact with these people. They are not good at hiding what they are thinking.

The nurse calls you back and waits patiently while you move like a snail. She takes you to the room and tells you the doctor will be with you shortly. It does not matter because they will not know what is wrong with you, but they will be deeply concerned because you look like you are near death.

They will inform you that you need to go to the hospital immediately for chest X-rays, some blood work and a nasal swab to rule out the flu, pneumonia and any problems with your white blood cell count. This will be a waste of your time but you are better safe than sorry so make sure you go.

You arrive at the hospital and will be helped immediately. The sight of you frightens people and they want to move you right along. You are okay with this because you just want to go home and lay down.

You walk up to the lab and the jerks make you wait for 15 minutes. You cannot sit still with the pains flying through your body and so you rock back and forth, holding yourself while staring at the floor. If you choose to pray at this time, please do not do so out loud. It may be mistaken for chanting and the little men in white coats may come to haul you away. This may seems like a good idea at the time, but you haven't picked up the Vicodin cough syrup yet and it's important for you to have this.

You walk into the lab and the phlebotomist asks you to pull your right arm out of its sleeve. Your boob flops out and you realize not only did you forget socks, you forgot your bra too. You don't care. It's the only thing on your body at this point that is not having a hot flash. You get the annoying nasal swab done and the blood work and walk yourself to the elevator to get your X-rays.

You finally lose it in the elevator. As much as you were fighting the embarrassment of it, you no longer care and you start crying like a baby. You curl up into a fetal position in the waiting room and hospital aides run to your side with heated blankets and wrap them around you and hold you. They immediately take you to get your X-rays without waiting. They are very kind. You do not care. You hate them. You hate the world. You want your Vicodin.

You make it home in time to fall apart in your husband's arms and explain to him about everything. He still hasn't slept. He is delirious but is going without sleep for your sake. He will not last much longer and is wearing thin because he is not used to keeping things in order around the house like you. Try not to think harmful thoughts toward him. It won't do you any good. You are too weak. Save it for another day.

You lay in bed while he goes to the pharmacy and gets your cough syrup. You take your meds and lay down with him so he can rest. The kids come home from school and he orders Domino's pizza for supper. The kids think he is the coolest dad on the face of the earth. It irritates you to no end. Try not to think harmful thoughts toward him. It won't do you any good. You are too weak. Save it for another day.

He does not finish the laundry. He does not finish the dishes. He does not do homework with the kids. Instead he hooks up the Wii and has fun with the kids. The place is a disaster. You are dying. They are laughing and having fun. Try not to think harmful thoughts toward him. It won't do you any good. You are too weak. Save it for another day.

You will sleep better on this night because you are faithfully taking the cough syrup and guzzling water like a fish. Life might be better tomorrow.

DAY THREE

You wake up to four kids asking you for breakfast. There are no groceries. Your husband is sleeping in bed beside you but didn't come to bed until 5 am and is only going on three hours of sleep. He acts like he doesn't know you are there.

You feel somewhat better after a cup of coffee and stronger. You crawl back in bed and start poking him and pushing him until he wakes up. You take your feet and push with all your might and declare your bed rest as a necessity. He can survive without sleep. He is not sick. This is the first time in your life that you have ever needed his help in taking care of the kids while you were sick. He is going to help again today whether he likes it or not. Stand your ground. You deserve it.

Harmful thoughts are really helpful when you are pushing him out of bed. It is okay to have them during this time. You can apologize later.

He is worn thin. He cannot handle the children anymore or the responsibilities and the two of you will fight. It is better to lay in bed and pretend you are asleep when he is around to avoid this.

You feel like a cursed woman. You do not love him. You tell him this.

Your fever will drop below 100 degrees for the first time, and you are able to shower and remember to use the soap for the first time in days.

DAY FOUR:

You wake up in a puddle of sweat and realize it is not your own. You roll over, touch your husband and he is on fire. Sigh.

You realize you are not going to get your final day of bed rest so you pull it together, get up and go about your mothering and wifely duties. Nobody is going to feel sorry for you anymore, you now have three sick kids in the living room and a sick husband in the bed.

It's time to get to work.


Because this blog post ended up so long, I am going to postpone the men's information later. I feel this side of things is probably the most important to understand so please check back soon.